"Freedom" from Forgiveness
Have you ever met a person who shares a story with you about what they should have done, might have done, or could have done? Who shares with you, if only I had acquired a different job, been involved in a different relationship, lived in a different community, had a different degree, I would be happy? It is common knowledge that many people wake up everyday using yesterday as an excuse to justify why they are miserable today. Let It Go! The infamous band "The Eagles" wrote a song entitled "Get Over It". Individuals who cannot forgive themselves, others, or the environment are just wishing for a better past. If we cannot change ten minutes ago, how could we possibly change ten years ago? When half of our energy is focused on what should have been, might have been or could have been, we are wasting half of our energy on what could be.
Forgiveness is a powerful gift that releases us from the bondage of past failures, hurts and disappointments. It is a principle of success that few discuss in regard to the impact it has on both our personal and professional lives. I cannot change yesterday, but I can make the choice whether to learn, grow and move on from past mistakes and misfortunes, or allow them to control my emotional well being today and what my attitude will be in the future. The need for forgiveness in our lives is directly proportional to the degree of which we have failed, been hurt, or victimized. The more I have experienced these destructive encounters the greater degree of forgiveness is needed to mend the damage done. One of my favorite forgiveness quotes extracted from my book is, "Forgiveness is the fragrance of the violet that clings fast to the heel that crushed it." ---George Roemisch.
Forgiveness of self is the first assignment for all of us. We have all failed but our failures teach us what we are capable of achieving. Without failures and disappointments in life how can we truly test our personal understanding of what it is we stand for and believe in, i.e. our core values? I personally believe a significant measure of a person is their ability to persevere through the disastrous times they experience. Granted it may be easier said then done, but it should be a goal for all of us to continue to look forward, and not use past failures as present day excuses for being unhappy and unfulfilled.
If you have ever attended a place of worship, many times a message that is heard revolves around the importance of forgiving others, and how we should forgive those who have hurt us. My question for all of you is, what does forgiving others have anything to do with others? The answer is absolutely nothing. The reason you forgive another person has nothing to do with the other person; it has everything to do with you. Whether the other person accepts your forgiveness, or not, becomes their responsibility. Think about this for just a brief moment. People who have hurt us, what are they doing with their lives? They are moving on in constructive or destructive ways, positive or negative ways, but are they thinking of you? If they were thinking of you, wouldn't they want to mend the relationship, heal the hurts, and make amends from damaging days gone by? A memorable line I share with the audience during the course of presenting my "No Excuse!" message, and discussing forgiveness is, "People who have hurt us, we allow them to live rent free in our brains." Ponder this, it's like we hire a contractor to build a condominium in our head and the people who live there, who have hurt us pay nothing. They do not pay rent, utilities, cable service, sanitation removal, not a thing. Subsequently they take up a large portion of our mental capacity, and we walk around saying to ourselves, "someday we will get back at them, someday, someday." Evict them from your head, and move them out now. We never forget the hurts, but we forgive them and redirect energy towards something positive and constructive away from energy directed towards something negative and destructive. Who has control when we do not forgive the ones who have hurt us? They do! Why would I use what someone did to me fifteen years ago as justification to be miserable today? That is a choice we are all challenged with, but a decision that is extremely important to make. It is a choice made that will either weigh us down with bitterness, or free us from the emotional control of those who have hurt us.
Have you ever encountered a person who shares with you, or something similar, that they listen to talk radio 24-7, read the newspaper everyday, watch the evening news every night and then states, "I'm very depressed."? Well, yeah, how could they not be depressed when they are allowing the world to dictate how they feel on a daily basis? Forgiveness of environment is the third component to becoming free from the burden of baggage. It is a choice whether we allow the world, the weather, the war, and the many other media driven disappointments to structure how we feel towards others and ourselves. I cannot change many of the negative occurences I witness and hear about everyday, but I can change how I react to them. I can forgive a situation, and not allow it to negatively impact my desires to be positive, optimistic, or continue to make a significant difference in others lives.
The wonderful freedom we experience from forgiveness is to understand the less baggage we carry, the lighter the load. As a result, the greater freedom we have to move around, to enjoy life, to be less burdened, to be more joyous, giving, respectful, and selfless. Without the freedom granted from forgiveness, we create our own internal prison, trapped behind bars of bitterness, anger, resentment, blame, misery, cruelty and self-centeredness. There is joy and new energy with freedom. It is why there is joy and new energy with the incorporation of forgiveness in our lives. Be free, and enjoy the exhilaration of rescuing your emotional control from the grips of the experiences, and people who have taken it from you. Forgiveness will provide you a renewed outlook on life, a resurgence of positive energy, and a greater foundation of self-respect.
As I leave the previous contemplations with you, I would like to share a letter with you I had written to my father on January 1, 1995, when I was the young age of 38. I believe it is a heart felt example of how to forgive. I was early in my entrepreneurial career, and the burden of carrying his death around with me still lingered. I was 11 years old when he passed away, many years had gone by, and I felt a strong desire and need to finally release the burden of this tragic experience.
Dear Dad,
This is the first letter I have ever written to you. As you know, I was only eleven when you died, but I never had a need to write to you until now. I am thirty eight now, and a lot has happened in my life that I know you would be proud of.
I just want to tell you how much I have missed you and how much I have desired your words of approval and assurance. There were many times in my life that your being there would have meant the world to me. It certainly would have made life's trials more bearable.
The simple hug or touch a father shares with his son I will never feel again, yet I now have the wonderful opportunity to share that with my own children. It took many years for me to become satisfied with me, and what I have to offer to others around me. I know that while you were here you gave me everything you felt was best, with honesty and sincerity.
I truly love you and ask for your blessing. I ask for your spirit of strength for my family and me. Thank you for helping me find peace within myself and to feel the satisfaction of giving to other people.
Your loving son,
Jay
BE FREE!
05.04.2008
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