"Meet The Parents"
Are any of you from a perfectly functional family? If you believe you are, you are in denial. :0) One of the interesting, and sometimes humorous, characteristics among all human beings is we are all uniquely dysfunctional. Maybe some of us more than others, but that is what makes us wonderful. Being aware and understanding of those dysfunctions are the keys to working through them and not using them as an excuse to justify why we do not have to be accountable for our own behaviors. We all have our "stuff". I have mine and you have yours, but there are two types of people we see everyday. The first are those who use their stuff to justify why they are miserable, cannot perform their job, demonstrate disrespect toward others, are consistently negative, etcetera. In some cases, there are those who even use their stuff to rationalize why they do not have to take care of the children they bring into this world. Unbelievable! Then you have the second type of individual who recognizes their stuff is an opportunity to grow, learn and become an emotionally stronger person. Which one am I? Which one are you? If I asked you to reflect on your life for a brief moment, has it not been the greatest challenges, disappointments, losses, failures and self-doubts you have experienced, that when you persevered through them, those experiences have taught you what you are capable of achieving? Without the hardships in life how do we then have an opportunity to really assess and test what our core values are, and what the elements of our character are composed of?
It is time to "Meet The Parents". In this comedy movie and the sequel "Meet The Fockers", characters Gaylord "Greg" Focker and Jack Byrns are uniquely different, coming from backgrounds and having perspectives that are dynamically in contrast with one another. However in the end, the Focker's and the Byrn's familial dysfunctions and differences are overcome by recognizing the common values they share, mutual respect, acceptance, a priority of happiness for their children, and the love for one another between Greg and Jack's daughter, Pam. This movie is also indicative of how our parents significantly influence our sense of self-worth. In a previous blog, Self-Esteem - "The Gift Myth", I mentioned that I would discuss that how we are parented affects our sense of self-respect, and establishes two major fears that all of us possess. As you may recall self-esteem, the self-respect you have for you, is earned not given. It is earned through our behaviors, and those behaviors are based on an understanding of our core values. However, how we are being, or were parented, still influences our understanding of who and what we are today. One of the first fears in our lives, generated from our parents, results from the conflict between destructive criticism and corrective discipline. Destructive criticism is the disciplining of a behavior in a way that is demeaning and degrading to the child being disciplined. An example of this would be emotionally harsh, degrading screaming and/or physical punishment placed on a child for making a mistake. If a child is exposed to consistent levels of destructive criticism for making a mistake, then the child develops a fear of making mistakes, or a fear of failure. We have all been exposed to varying degrees of destructive criticism in our lives. We all fear failure to a degree, but depending on the strength of our beliefs and understanding of our own skills and core values, will determine how much we allow that fear of failure dictate our performance, and our decision making ability. If you have ever been around an individual who cannot make a decision because the fear of failure is so powerful it prevents them from making a decision, it is a reflection of self-doubt and a lack of self-respect. They lack the internal strength to stand up for their convictions and beliefs, because they doubt their own sense of self and security with their own core values. Thus, how could they possibly be decisive?
The second fear results from the conflict between conditional love and unconditional love. Unconditional love is the pure giving of love to others without conditions, or expecting anything in return. Conditional love is when conditions are place on the love being provided. For example, you do this, I will give you this. When a child is exposed to conditional love they develop the fear of not being loved, maturing in life to the fear of rejection. If you have ever been around a person who cannot make a decision until those around them say okay first, it is once again a reflection of self-doubt and lack of self-respect for the same rational as above with the fear of failure. Fear of failure is fear of self, and fear of rejection is fear of others.
The keys to overcoming these fears are to first understand them in our lives and how they influence our ability to make decisions. They are not harmful elements when we understand the fears are a catalyst to force us to take ownership for our actions, and substantiate an understanding of our own core values. Second, begin to take the necessary actions that correlate with what it is we stand for and believe in, and behave in a way the compliments our sense of self and our core values. This will provide all of us the internal strength to be decisive and emotionally competent when challenged with difficult situations and circumstances.
Acknowledge and celebrate the dysfunctions, the "stuff", in our lives. Nobody has his or her own act perfectly together, and it is life's journey that can be exciting and rewarding depending on how you prepare for, and execute the trip. So pack the "stuff" you need, and discard the "stuff" that weighs you down. Know that you are the decision maker for your own life. There may be, and have been, influences that push us in certain directions, but it is our self-respect and strength in the belief of our core values that stem the tide of self-doubt, and allow us to continue on a course that is positive, constructive and fulfilling.
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