Why would I broach this topic? I am not an extreme environmentalist, nor an animal rights activist, for I always believe in common sense and non-extremism, but I do believe in the ethical treatment of human beings and animals. Viewing this documentary caused me to sadly reflect on this travesty, and direct thought and appreciation towards the wonderment and beauty of nature and the amazing creations that surround us. I understand there are millions of animals slaughtered for food and human consumption, but I do not know how many cattle and chickens are being slaughtered for entertainment. As the sun blazed brightly this past week creating anticipation of an upcoming spring, I paid more attention to the little things of nature we at times take for granted. The cackling of geese high in the sky returning from their southern vacation, the awakening of local birds, bugs and critters from their wintry confinement, and the mystical lady bugs magically appearing out of nowhere are all a tribute to the miracle of nature.   The warmth of a new day as the Northern Hemisphere begins to tilt forward towards the sun invigorates the soul. The expectation of flowers, colors, scents and sounds resonate an excitement for days outdoors, walks in the park, hikes in the high peeks, and swims in mountain lakes. I speak of core values as a foundation for our lives, and I have decided to add a new one, “a greater respect for life”, human, animal, botanical and even astronomical. Of course there are many issues where the term “life” can be a platform for debate and division, but that is for a different venue. However, my heart does hope the same level, preferably a greater level of attention, is placed on respect for human life as may be placed on a animal’s life. 

Five “smile creating” tips to enhance your appreciation of your surroundings are, * look up and observe the sun, stars, sky, etc. * smell a flower or bouquet * listen to the sounds of chirping, barking, meowing and squeaking * wonder over the amazing details of how something as simple as a bug can be so unique * experience the gentle eyes of the many animals we encounter, just let them be. Each day is a day to be grateful, and each day is a day to be accepting of the simple yet significant part we play in the evolution of the world. 

In this trying time of economic instability, political turmoil, and social anxiety, “gloom period” adds another excuse to justify being miserable. My recommendation, snap out of it! It is the weather not your life. It is the cold, snow and rain, not your potential for happiness and contentment.   This is the time where the “rubber meets the road”, where individuals show their true personal confidence, attitude and outlook on life. It is where a refection of core values and what you stand for and believe in is extremely beneficial. In regard to business do you sit around and whine about the economy or take the “bull by the horns” and take the initiative to be more creative, innovative and ingenious? In regard to your personal life do you reflect on what should of, could of, and would have been or do you recognize yesterday is gone and you cannot use it as an excuse for not working towards being happy and fulfilled? Questioning where we were, where we are and where we want to be is healthy but only if the outcome of that reflection is recognition of learning from the past, acting on today and planning for the future. Personally, I can sit and mope about business being slow, conferences being cancelled, companies not spending money on speakers or I can reevaluate and take the action necessary to reinvent the business and persevere through the downturn in the economy. It is harder to leave your comfort zone and attempt a new approach towards the future than it is to generate the excuse that outside forces are wrecking your life. Do you “couch potato” and paddle in a pool of self-pity or take the steps necessary to energize your mind, body and spirit? Do you blame or take accountability for the doubts you may have and take action to overcome those insecurities? 

Seven steps for overcoming gloom are, *call a friend and go out for a bite to eat, get out of the house *turn off the news and read or watch something uplifting *go find and hang around positive and energetic people now *volunteer and get involved in something that will help others and take your mind off of gloom *eat healthier, exercise a little more and celebrate the gloom, it’s temporary *project optimism by a smile, gesture or a kind word *reenergize the core values you believe in. Finally, while those living in Arizona will be sweltering this summer and having to stay inside because of the heat, we will be having a picnic, swimming in a lake, enjoying the Adirondacks and watching the Thoroughbreds race in the most beautiful place in the country. Smile, it could be worse.

I have always believed it is the dignity we demonstrate, mutual respect we exchange, and an apolitical approach towards issues that will always result in the betterment of lives around us. We gained an appreciation for one another, and a friendship. Things happen for reasons and all souls who meet come together for reasons. We always attract what we project regardless of whether it is a neighbor next door or a neighbor on the other side of the world. As a result of the graciousness I encountered consistently I gained an appreciation for the Chinese people, their culture and their future. As I was an unofficial ambassador for our community of Saratoga Springs and our Nation during my visit, let us all extend graciousness and hospitality to one another and those who visit our wonderful communities.   

It is a small world as demonstrated by my first morning in Beijing. Having breakfast, I asked a young Chinese gentleman what a particular dish was on the buffet. He provided an answer and we began to chat. As I shared with him where I was from, his faced glowed and he informed me that he had lived in Niskayuna, worked for GE, and had visited Saratoga Springs many times. Of the 1.3 billion Chinese, 303 million Americans and all the places in the world, my first morning in China I meet someone who knows where Saratoga Springs is? Are you kidding me? If only I had access to purchasing a lottery ticket that morning. 

Throughout my life it has not been one’s title, income or possessions that have impressed me most about an individual, but rather their efforts to better the society around them. Personally, I have discovered the true character of our Saratoga Springs community not through my business dealings or my professional speaking engagements, but rather observing the service of others through my own service on the volunteer boards and committees I participate on. I have found the heart and soul of this community by meeting those who genuinely want to give back to a community that has given much to them. Service is defined as, “the action of helping or doing work for someone.”, and duty is defined as, “a moral or legal obligation; a responsibility; done from a sense of moral obligation rather than for pleasure.” Reflecting on the above death announcement, it is the ultimate example of service and duty to knowingly put your life at stake to protect the freedoms that allow me to share this blog with you today.   If anyone reading this is doubtful about themselves, or saddened by their circumstances, take yourself out of the picture and utilize the talents and skills that you possess through serving those around you. Volunteer, be involved, take your passion for a cause and mobilize your efforts to make that passion come to fruition. You will immediately gain a greater sense of purpose, energy, personal motivation and individual value. There is evidence each day that validates the value of service, its impact on the world, and the personal satisfaction in brings. Service combined with a sense of moral obligation, “duty”, is and has always been, a demonstration of human spirit at its best. 

The more you think of others the happier you tend to be because of the value you provide to those around you. Any baggage we carry filled with self-pity, regret, self-doubt, envy, and jealousy are contents for personal destruction, and forgiveness is the opened zipper to empty such baggage. Forgiveness is freedom from hurt, nourishment for the heart and renewal for the soul. Effective personal reflection is the ability to think beyond yourself and know you have value to those around you. There are always causes beyond ourselves, and although our role may not be to the level of Captain Pena, his example inspires me to realize that we have a “duty” to be more than we are through our service to those around us. Five clarifying questions to prompt your community service are, * What are your passions? * What are your causes? * What talents do I possess that reflect my passions and can help execute my causes? * What are the core values that support my passions and define my causes? * What entities within my community can provide an open door to serve? There are moments remembered and moments discarded, but the most important moments are the ones that bring joy to others.   

Another area that influences our intuitive thought process is our degree of spirituality. I am not recommending a belief in any specific structured religion or deity, that is a personal choice. However, I am encouraging a belief in something greater than ourselves, and the possibility to acknowledge as individuals we do not have all the answers, all the time. Personally, my belief in something greater than myself adds to the level of trust I have in my ability to make the right choice. I trust there is a reason for everything, and what happens to you happens for you. When life is overwhelming, it is emotionally and physically healthier to believe there is a purpose behind the madness. I also believe that individual purpose is created and driven through our service to others. Your faith in your own purpose will intuitively impact your success in making correct and core value based decisions. It has been and will be our choices that create and define who we are. We have all made good and bad decisions, but it is how we handle our mistakes that determines our character, and how we contend with success that determines our level of humility. On a side note, as I have watched the devastation in Haiti this past week, it stimulated the thought once again, “What did I wake up and whine about today? “ Why would we ever waste time on any day worrying about what wasn’t and what isn’t, when we never know what tomorrow may bring.   Hug those you love a little tighter tonight. May our thoughts and prayers be with those who have lost so much. Trust your intuition. 

The continued corruption in so many of the most prestigious offices of business and government only fuels the social distrust machine. The hypocrisy of individuals thereby deteriorating integrity and personal honesty is a cycle that must be challenged. Personally, I was saddened by the Tiger fiasco, for so many respected and admired the character this man appeared to possess. This incident further reinforced an understanding of the lack of a direct correlation between money, fame, and happiness.   The necessity to live a life that is a reflection of the values we as individuals believe in is paramount in avoiding a personal moral meltdown. I would ask any parent reading this column to make a resolution to revisit and reinforce with their children the internal character benefit in behaving ethically responsible. The benefit being a synergy between who they are and what they project to others they are, resulting in a wholesome sense of self. Our personal and family core values are the foundation for the establishment of such expectations of moral behavior. The examples we as adults set are not only critical to substantiating the expectation of moral behavior for our children, but an overall societal benefit by “raising the bar” in regard to appropriate and inappropriate behavior. 

Upon returning from several year-end speaking engagements, I reflected on how many citizens are yearning for moral, ethical leadership and role models. True leadership is not self-centered but selfless. With leadership comes added responsibility, and part of that responsibility is to be an ethical example to those being led. What kind of message is sent to all citizens when leaders from any arena are found to have violated the very trust they created between themselves and their followers? The message is one of disappointment and distrust. Is there still ethical leadership? I believe there is and there are many of our fellow citizens who espouse to a higher calling everyday. We all make mistakes, I certainly have, but our challenge should be a continuous improvement on making conscious principled choices initially, to avoid the consequences of being unethical. I believe we have a responsibility to future generations to help create a more ethical society, for the opposite will only generate more distrust and less kindness in our world. 

Five recommendations for enhancing an ethical example are, *take ownership for what we say and do each day * reflect to ensure our behaviors are in alignment with the values we hold dear * although said often, act on the Golden Rule of treating others as we would want to be treated, * be consistent in what we stand for and believe in because that generates integrity * finally, realize we have a responsibility to others for there are many who respect and believe in you, and want strength of character in their lives. It has been an honor to share with all of you some thoughts to ponder over this past year. I wish everyone the best in 2010. Happy New Year!

With the “Holiday” season upon us, I am wondering if anyone was insulted by a Cross, a Christmas Tree, a Star of David, a Menorah or a Crescent Moon and Star or any other religious symbol growing up. I grew up Catholic but never took offense to others celebrating their holiday in their traditional way.   It was only when these symbols became a platform for dissension, and political gain, did I become aware of the negativity associated with difference. I doubt many Muslims are saying Happy Holiday during Ramadan, as I doubt many Christians are substituting Happy Holiday for Merry Christmas, or those of Jewish faith Happy Chanukah. Yes, I am aware I am politically incorrect for leaving out all the other religions. In this particular example, genuine tolerance is respecting those who may be religiously different, and who celebrate differently than you.   There have been many benefits to an increased awareness of what we say, and what may be offensive to others, but to use political correctness as a platform for power, greed and a controlling of the masses deteriorates the very fabric of a society that was founded on freedom of speech, and freedom of religion.   

Throughout my life, I have understood the simpler life is the happier one tends to be, because the less we have to be responsible for. It is critically important to reflect on the amount of responsibilities we have chosen to carry, and ensure those burdens are not released in destructive ways to those we care about. Let’s take a deep breath and appreciate the good we have done as individuals, families and community. Personally, I am thankful for the opportunity to live in a community with thoughtful, talented and generous citizens. This is a day not to reflect on what we have been through, but rather on those who have helped us persevere what we have been through. Who have been your mentors and role models? When was the last time we took the time to demonstrate appreciation for those who have given to us not just material things, but life altering and life learning insight? My mother has taken ill over the past several months and it has been a challenge to share the many personal emotions I have for her because of my vulnerabilities to emotional intimacy, resulting from losing my father at an early age. Of course, that is no excuse for not sharing the love and appreciation for the many value lessons she has taught me throughout my life, for there will come a time when there will no longer be the opportunity to share those thoughts which will be so meaningful to her.

I recently conducted a presentation for a school district in Long Island, and the following is an email I received afterwards, "I was in your November 3 rd audience. Your message changed my life…I have now contacted my biological father, half sister, and cousins that I haven’t spoken with in 10 years due to fear of the unknown and what others thought of me. Your message has forever made an imprint on my soul…you spoke about not having regrets and forgiveness being like bad renters…it resonates through my mind each day and my heart as well…I am looking forward to having my family reunited soon…thank you…I hope to meet you again soon…this time with my family with me…sincerely Danielle Eskedal”. Take the time to show those you love, love. Wake up every day knowing there is a reason why you are here, to be thankful for you, and those around you. May God bless you, your family and our community of Saratoga Springs. Happy Thanksgiving!

Five steps to strengthen ones self-discipline are: *reinforce an understanding of the core values that you believe in and reflect who you are. Define those values and incorporate them in the process of accomplishing the task at hand.   *Take “baby steps” when beginning the pursuit of a new endeavor. It is imperative to not look at the entire vision at hand, but approach the task day by day. The old adage of   “do not bite off more than you can chew” is essential. *Establish a moral compass that is in alignment with the core values you espouse too. A clear sense of your morality will subdue the temptations of the deadly sins we are exposed to every day. Personally, I define morality as how I treat another human being, and I believe we should treat one another with dignity and respect. Take the time to assess how you would want to be treated if you were walking in another’s shoes. *Manage your time and effort by planning properly and executing the task efficiently.   Prioritize the elements of the task at hand to best reach that goal in the most efficient manner possible. *Finally, visualize the light at the end of the tunnel, and anticipate the satisfaction of the successful completion of that goal. Concerted Effort + Determination = Self-Discipline. There is nothing more satisfying and self-respect developing than the knowledge that your efforts and determination were the primary factor in the achievement of your success.   Successful leaders are always self-disciplined in the pursuit of their passions, dreams and goals. Be that leader and set a positive, self-disciplined example every day for those around you. 

What happens when we spoil a child, when we give them things they have not earned? Two definitions for spoil are, “diminish or destroy the value or quality”, and “harm the character of (a child) by being too lenient or indulgent”. Generationally it has been well known that spoiling a child does little to enhance their self-respect. It also breeds a sense of entitlement, which has become rampant in many aspects of our society. A sense of entitlement diminishes one’s desire to put forth effort to achieve, because effort is not needed if one is already expecting what they have not earned. Does anyone reading this genuinely believe they are owed, and if so, by whom? When someone is given something they did not earn, the value of what is given becomes much less significant in the recipients mind. When we as individuals do not act upon the values that frame who we are, our own sense of self-respect is detrimentally impacted as well. Why would we take pride in something we have not earned? Why would we take pride in our selves if we have not earned who we are? Each day is an opportunity to build upon who we are by acting on the values that form the foundation of our character.   Then why do we continue to over indulge our youth with stuff, and many in our workforce with false expectations of what they deserve or have earned? Both answers revolve around the ease to which we satisfy the demands of others. In regard to our children, it is much easier to bow down to the “everyone else is doing it”, or “everyone else has one” acceptance attitude then it is to take the time and effort to instill in our children the value of earning what they want. The lessons taught to our children by “working in the trenches” build discipline, character and self-respect. The largest benefit to a child is the understanding it will be their efforts that create the life they want, personal responsibility, and not the responsibility of some other entity.   In regard to workers, it is much easier to maintain control and power over a workforce by promising benefits and pay increases without accountability and performance standards, then it is to reward based on measured accomplishment and improvement.   Look around to see the negative impact entitlement patterned industries have had on quality of performance, value of product, fiscal responsibility, motivated employees, and industry sustainability. Fiscally, the lack of flexibility in regard to salaries and discipline exemplified by much of Union leadership is playing havoc in regard to the sustainability of the economic stability within our public service sector.

As the above definition states, it destroys value and diminishes character. I believe it further destroys social values and diminishes a society’s character. A recent example of how value is diminished by the perception of one not earning what they have received is the recent award of the Nobel Peace Prize. Regardless whether one agrees or disagrees with the deserving nature of the recipient, the non-analytical process, shallow adherence to criteria, and political influence within the process has significantly diminished the value and credibility of that award. Personally, it disappoints me that an award so historically prestigious many years ago has in recent years become a political piece of candy to sweeten the world’s perception of a politician. I also believe a candidate who for years has sacrificed their very life in the pursuit of equality and human rights among Afgan women would better qualify under the criteria of earning such a regarded award. When the bar for defined achievement is lowered in any area of expected performance the value and credibility of the achievement is degraded. An example of this would be lowering performance standards to accommodate lower performing individuals. What message does that send our children? Do not work as hard because the system will adapt to you? Two steps in assisting a child’s understanding of the value of effort is one, have them feel the sense of accomplishment by achieving a task based on their effort alone, and two instill in them an understanding that personal effort builds strong character, increases self-respect and reinforces the values they espouse too. One is much happier and fulfilled in life when they have generated a sense of purpose and accomplishment on their own. Seize The Day! 

In regard to whom we marry, you will discover the majority of people who marry young tend to marry an opposite. The primary reason is not they complete us, but a subconscious belief they can fill voids in our self-perceived character flaws.   Where do these perceived flaws originate?   Welcome into the equation, our parents. The primary reason we marry an opposite is because growing up we are usually told everything we are what? NOT. Why don’t you study more? How come you are not more creative? Why can’t you be more extroverted? Why don’t you like the outdoors? Why aren’t you more like your brother? So by the time you leave the house and venture out on your own, you have a pretty good idea of everything you are NOT. The question is, do we embrace that knowledge and grow from it, or allow it to negatively impact our self-respect and self-worth? Most young adults are too immature to understand that a lack of certain parental dictated positive characteristics is not a fault of who they are as potential valuable human beings. It is perceived however, that if someone comes into one’s life that fills the voids in their self-perceived weaknesses, that person will make them whole. As a result, when we meet someone who is everything we are not, we believe this is the perfect match.    I don’t study, you do. I am not creative, you are. You are extraverted and I’m introverted. I hate the outdoors, you love to camp. You are just like my brother. This is a match made in heaven. Well, maybe not.  

Enter another relationship “danger zone”, when as an individual we mature and with time become more accepting of who we are, rather than who we are not. Subsequently, everything we are may become more attractive than everything we are not. Bye! However, the desire to be attached to someone like you can also have negative ramifications.   You may have much in common, but if the value base of the relationship is not in alignment, it will hinder the longevity of the relationship.   Why? Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who does not reinforce the core values you believe to be important?

The key to maintaining any relationship, whether one compliments who you are or fills the gaps in what you think you are not, is a unified and congruent understanding of the core values of the parties involved. Our priorities for our children, how we view the world, how we communicate our decisions, our faith, and what principles we collectively honor are a few common values that solidify a relationship. All relationships go through trials, tribulations, and transitions, but it is and will be the synergy and strength of commitment to a couple’s core values that will help them persevere through the tuff times. It is my recommendation that the beginning of any new relationship begin with a discussion of those values that are important to both individuals. Core values are the framework, trust is the glue, and mutual respect is the end product of a healthy relationship. By the way, have fun as well.

Have you ever felt a twinge of irritation or anger when someone had something and you did not? For example, a relative who married into wealth and now lives lavishly and did little to earn it, or a person who achieved and you thought you could do better if only you had what they had, or an individual who attained a position of power only because of who they knew? Envy is defined as, “a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities or luck”, and jealous is defined as, “feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages”.   Participation in either of these two destructive behaviors is emotionally crippling, and a profound waste of personal time and energy. Why would we allow someone else’s possessions, title, wealth or fame be the barometer for our own sense of dignity and value? Granted, there are many instances where life appears and is not fair, but happiness and self-worth are established not by what one has, but by what one is. It is the character and core values of an individual when implemented, which are the most memorable, meaningful and impactful qualities of a person’s legacy.   I am not suggesting acceptance of unfairness in regard to human rights and human necessities, but our self-respect should not be based on a comparison between what someone else has versus what we have. When we display envy it is an indicator of our own insecurity and self-doubt. It is also a common excuse used to mitigate a lack of personal accountability in one’s life. It is self-defeating when we justify our own lack of achievement by comparing it to others based on envy. Envy and jealousy dismiss the necessity to take accountability for our own lack of self-perceived success by demeaning what others may have more of.

Materialism is irrelevant in regard to internal long-term happiness, or the generation of respect from others. If it were relevant, than the more one would have the happier and more respected one would be. Look around and you will discover materialism and long-term happiness are not necessarily congruent. There are many who have much, but not necessarily possess the substance of character to align with it. Take away the money and possessions and what is left is the true measure of one’s value, character and self-respect. Personally, if I were to be envious I would want to be envious of another’s strength of character and humility. Hopefully, those who put enormity on the possession of things are in balance with the enormity of personal character. On a personal note, I find it distressing when fellow citizens flaunt their wealth and possessions when many others are struggling financially, looking for employment, or just attempting to make it through each day. Flaunting ones possessions publically does little to unify a community or a society but does much to divide it; based on an increasing awareness of what many have versus those who do not.   It is gracious and selfless to be philanthropic, but having it over publicized to revolve around the philanthropist only diminishes the genuineness of the giving.  

Here are four steps we can take to suppress the negative influences of envy and jealousy.   * Assess what it is we are actually envious of. Is it the money, the notoriety, the power, the recognition, the perceived happiness? If we had what we determine we are envious of, would that genuinely be the answer to our dissatisfaction and unhappiness? If so, what action steps are we taking to begin to achieve in that direction? * What would bring about a sense of true personal and professional security in our lives? The only way to assess that is to revisit what core values in our life are most important. * What are you most proud of in your life? Take the time to reflect on the accomplishments, and the impact that you have had on others. If the effort made has been genuine, selfless and with sincere intent, those are things to be proud of. * If the emotions of envy or jealousy permeate, take an opportunity to redefine success in your life and determine what is most meaningful for your fulfillment. Materialism provides comfort, but it is not the answer to long-term happiness and contentment. It is important to understand the things we tend to be envious about have no relevance in regard to one’s character, or what one is remembered for. Namaste!

]]>Tue, 08 Sep 2009 22:39:22 +0000http://www.rifenbary.com/blog/envy-and-jealousy-twins-of-emotional-destruction-/http://www.rifenbary.com/blog/envy-and-jealousy-twins-of-emotional-destruction-/ Why is being independent in thought and action so important to the sustainability and evolution of the human spirit? As a healthy adult, what happens to individual self-respect if one becomes dependent on someone or something else to make decisions for him or her? How is personal responsibility impacted by dependency? What happens to a society when the people no longer have an independent say in the direction of their future?   These are questions that should not be answered exclusively by politicians, but questions that each of us should examine and answer for ourselves. There is presently an increased competition between self-determination and determination by others. Which one would you prefer to be the winner? I personally do not want someone else determining what my life can and will be.    

Independent is defined as, “free from outside control; not depending on another’s authority”, “not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence”, capable of thinking or acting for oneself”.   Would anyone reading those defining statements want the opposite for their life’s future?   I am not suggesting we neglect those in need, nor disobey laws that protect our citizenry, but I am suggesting we have a responsibility to ensure dependency is not forced upon community and individuals. It is and has been social independence partnered with independent thinking that has ignited innovation, creativity and societal progress.   Historically, independent thinkers have spurred the greatest periods of human achievement. The onset of the Renaissance where independent thinking bred the likes of Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, Galileo, Issac Newton, and explorer Amerigo Vespucci whom America was named after, is one example. It is, and has been, the independent thinking in America that has spawned progress scientifically, economically, and socially which is still the envy of many who seek an opportunity to be free from social control. In contrast, the periods of history where independent thought was persecuted, human ingenuity, innovation and progress were stifled. The Soviet Union’s blanket of communism would be a prominent recent example in Western history of the deleterious effect of social dependency. Many of those once independent nations became irrelevant in contributing to the advancement of global progress. It is the freedom to make choices that is the foundation for human ingenuity. If we no longer have the right to choose, and choices are made for us, why would anyone be motivated to explore and capitalize on their capabilities? The incentive to achieve is lost because there is no emotional, physical or financial reward for any effort made.   Creating a dependent mindset deteriorates entrepreneurial spirit and breeds mediocrity.

Another limitation that prevails from social dependency is a narrowing of perceptions and viewpoints.   If controls are placed on what one may say, achieve, and the approach they can achieve, say farewell to creativity, innovation and the allowance of difference in thought. When societal leadership begins to limit our rights to exercise the basic freedoms that created America’s world leadership in the first place I believe that is harmful for all. Our freedom to be independent should not be debated by any political entity; it should be their unified responsibility to help preserve it. An independent way of life is not an issue; it is a fundamental right of freedom.

Finally, social dependency depletes individual uniqueness and social diversity. It may appear that it invites acceptance of a more diverse society, but in actuality it generates just the opposite. Is it healthy to have everyone like everyone else? It is the diversity of our independent thinking, and the acceptance of difference, that creates true diversity. I believe in equality of rights among all human beings, but not the creation of an equal society where everyone is expected to think a certain way, be dependent on some governmental entity to care for them, and be limited to what their potential for greatness may be. Social dependency deteriorates individual value, and self respect, makes an individual responsible to a governing body not themselves, and determines the future for its’ citizenry. It is responsible and healthy to debate issues, create and pass legislation that protects and preserves our citizenry. It is not the responsibility of those in power to diminish our right as citizens to choose, and stifle us from attaining our full human potential. To tap into the talents, skills, creativity, and spirit of our humanness are what make us all distinctly human. 

The pain of sarcasm is particularly destructive to developing relationships. The best example of this I have witnessed is the disrespect young men and women direct toward one another, specifically in the age range of junior and senior high school students. The effects of sarcasm are clearly felt by many young women, and men, and have a deleterious impact on one’s self-esteem development. It is not “cool” to be degrading through sarcasm. Embolden our children, and their friends, to take the high road by being respectful and not degrading. It will pay dividends in the long run and only generate greater individual leadership and peer respect.

In the process of conducting constructive discourse in an adult or business setting, there is no place for sarcasm. It distracts attention away from the discourse and redirects purposeful discussion to personal accusations and innuendos. I have also witnessed sarcasm being used when one side of a discussion is losing the dialogue, and their talking points become less effective and dominant.   In many cases, sarcastic remarks are used as a defense mechanism to attempt to relinquish accountability for the potential negative outcome of the discourse. Inevitably this is a losing strategy personally and professionally.   Finally, sarcasm is an attempt to substantiate superior intellect over others, and justify an elitist attitude. It may appear clever and humorous at the time it is used, but no one takes sarcasm as a serious indicator of an individual’s level of intelligence, integrity and character. It diminishes individual credibility, and negatively impacts how serious a person’s opinions are respected. Most importantly it deteriorates the amount of trust that is established. Inherently we do not trust those who are sarcastic towards others. Enjoy taking the high road and establishing an example that is respected by all. 

Reflecting on the recent graduations of my children, one with his undergraduate degree, the other with her Masters, I was again impacted how each ending is an amazing beginning.   How every phase reached in life, every failure, every success, is an opportunity to revalidate and reenergize the core values that have created who we are. Reflecting on my own failures and successes, it has been the biggest tragedies that have taught me the most about who I am, and have challenged an understanding of the core values, which define me.   Here are five primary steps we can all take to reinvigorate our lives and assist in squashing anxiety, apathy or malaise we may be experiencing. One , establish time to participate in something you are passionate about. A walk to relax, a hike to challenge, a book to be learned, a painting to be creative, a prayer to be thoughtful are just some suggestions to enable us to take a break from the world. Two , look for quiet time along the success journey to reflect and re-focus on our objectives at hand. There is solace in quiet and an opportunity to listen to the inside instead of being distracted by the outside. Three , “do not bite off more than you can chew”, as the saying goes. Realize, we may think we are getting more done with more on our agenda, but the stress of the multitude of tasks will be overwhelming, and the quality of the tasks completed will be detrimentally affected. Anxiety equals an over abundance of tasks plus a lack of quality. Four , make a date to pull out old photos, picture albums or home movies and smile, laugh and reflect on some of the good old times. When was the last time we sat down with the family and reminisced? Finally , reflect on the areas of your life that bring you the most joy and happiness, those little things that make you appreciate yourself and others. We cannot allow our ever changing, rapidly evolving, technology filled world diminish the simple and treasured joys that make life a blessing. 

After a recent “No Excuse!” presentation in Washington, DC, I was returning to BWI Airport via a cab. During the brief transport to the airport I conversed with the driver and asked him where he was from. His response humbled me and sparked some personal reflection on my part. He responded with, “Nigeria”, and subsequently said, “I wake up every day thanking God for the blessing to come to this country, and thank Him for the opportunity and blessings to love my family, be with my family and witness their opportunity to prosper and succeed in a land of freedom.” I thought to myself, how many of my fellow American citizens have recently expressed such appreciation for their country and their family? I hope many have, for we should. Two songs that have always impacted me regarding this topic are Harry Chapin’s “Cats in the Cradle” and Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven”. The profound lyrics include , “He said, “I’d love to, Dad, if I can find the time / You see my new job’s a hassle and kids have the flu / But it’s sure nice talking to you, Dad / It’s been sure nice talking to you” / And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me / He’d grown up just like me / My boy was just like me” and the key phrase in “Tears in Heaven” is “Would you know my name   / If I saw you in heaven?” The lyrics encourage me to contemplate, one, have I created emotional distance with my own children, and two, would my children know my name in heaven?   My “No Excuse!” book is filled with inspiring quotes and anecdotes and my favorite is entitled “To My Grown Up Son” and affirms as follows, “My hands were busy through the day; I didn’t have much time to play the little games you asked me to; I didn’t have much time for you: I’d wash your clothes, I’d sew and cook, but when you’d bring your picture book and ask me to share your fun I’d say, “A little later, son.” I’d tuck you in all safe at night; and hear your prayers, turn out the light, then tiptoe softly to the door – I wish I’d stayed a minute more. For life is short, the years rush fast – a little boy grows up so fast. No longer is he at your side, his precious secrets to confide. The picture books are put away, there aren’t any games to play - no goodnight kiss, no prayers to hear; that all belongs to yesteryear. My hands once busy now lie still; the days are long and hard to fill. I wish I might go back and do the little things you asked me to.” Over my 52 years of my life I have seen many people on different staircases to success, but if they have stepped on everyone along the way, how happy can they be? They may have things, but they do not have deep rooted meaningful relationships. Personal fulfillment in life is recognition of service to others, and living a life purposeful in respect to the family and friends you share life with. Each day is an opportunity to be kind, loving and respectful. Ensure there is time to share that kindness, love and respect with those who love you. 

What if at a young age we experience the loss of someone very close to us, an event which magnified our awareness of loss, pain, and abandonment? This will result in a substantial fear of intimacy, for we never again want to endure those depressing and wounding emotions. This will significantly affect decisions made in regard to future relationships. We may express love for someone but there will be a limit to how emotionally intimate we become with them, based on how vulnerable we are to the destructive emotions generated from that childhood loss.

Neglecting an awareness of our needs and fears creates an imbalance in recognizing our own personal identity. Decisions will be made to satisfy the needs and fears, which may not be in alignment with our core values, and not correlate with what brings us honest fulfillment.   For example, if I strive for appreciation and in the process compromise my values, I am being internally disingenuous.

To illustrate how this lack of alignment can create personal conflict let me use myself as an example. After the passing of my father when I was eleven I entered the 7 th grade attending St. Joseph’s Catholic School in Kingston, NY. I passed 7 th grade but my mother sensing it was an emotionally difficult year had me repeat the 7 th grade and attend J. Watson Bailey Junior H.S. I can vividly remember walking into 7 th grade, for a second year, seeing many of my friends, and I immediately perceived they all thought I was stupid, a repeater. How do I make up for that apparent stupidity and attain a level of equal appreciation among my peers. How about becoming the class clown, achieve in sports, run for class office, be a team captain, prove to people I am not stupid by attending West Point, major in nuclear physics, be an Airborne/Ranger, corporate sales leader, start my own business, begin public speaking, author a book? That should attain abundant appreciation, shouldn’t it?   However, the real question is not how many others appreciate me, but rather how much do I appreciate myself. Why would I have to answer that question? I am doing just fine, drive a nice car, live in a nice neighborhood, have a nice house. How could it possibly be me causing this internal conflict?   If it is me then I have to ask myself, what do I honestly stand for and believe in, and what core values genuinely reflect who I am? I do not want to acknowledge that because if I reflect on personal core values I have violated, then I will have to hold myself accountable. There is no way I want to concede that. Therefore, I conclude it is not the result of me, but my internal struggle must be the result of someone or everybody else. So I walk in my house, with my lovely wife and children present, and how do I behave, kind, loving, a good listener? On the contrary, since I am in conflict with myself I behave in a manner where I may be destructive and disrespectful. A “button” is pushed, an argument ensues, people start screaming, the kids get involved, and now there is mayhem in the house. For me this is perfect, why? I do not have to contend with myself. I can point to my family and say, “see I’m not appreciated”, and now I can justify any behavior I want. I can lie, cheat, be dishonorable, because it is their fault. The reality is, every time we redirect personal responsibility to others we are dishonest with ourselves. It explains perfectly why individuals can have things, title, wealth and fame and be absolutely miserable. Take the time to validate those core values, which reflect who you are, and ensure the needs and fears in your life are not distracting you from a path that is purposeful, sincere and most importantly a true reflection of you. 

An attribute of the human race should be the capability to be mutually respectful of others; and display a professional tolerance for others and their differing viewpoints. There will never be a universal acceptance of every opposing opinion but hopefully there will be a progressive understanding that insolent behavior and personal ridicule directed to those we disagree with does nothing to contribute in a positive way to the world around us. Three behavior tools to assist in maintaining a level of professionalism needed to contend with disagreements are active listening, analytical evaluation and amiable response.   Active Listening is the ability to consciously listen to another’s viewpoint without garnering an opposing position based on an emotional stimulus of the viewpoint being presented. Analytical Evaluation is the process of breaking down the facts of the position being taken to accurately formulate a credible response. Amiable Response is the ability to maintain a high standard of decorum and respond respectfully even in the mist of an emotional topic being addressed. When practiced respectfully, tolerance provides civility within a diversely opinionated society. When tolerance becomes an excuse for abuse and ridicule of others it destroys the fabric of mutual respect and social integrity.   Let us all display a level of respectful tolerance while standing firm to the issues, beliefs, opinions and core values we hold true. 

As a society, have we reached a level of openness and non-judgment towards those around us that is equitable? How far have we come in regard to the stereotypes and prejudices that we place on others based on appearance and general body language?   These are two questions that should be discussed frequently with our children, and be a continued recognition in our own lives to lessen the stereotypical influences presented via many forms of media and technology. We are continually challenged with deciphering through false misconceptions of what it takes, and means, to be successful. How many reality shows can we name to illustrate that point? One definition of discrimination is, “the ability to discern what is of high quality; good judgment or taste”.   How does one achieve that, by appearance, race, creed, color, gender, sexual orientation, or age? I would hope we have made strides in regard to judging others by their character not the color of their skin, as Martin Luther King, Jr. so poignantly shared in his “I Have a Dream” speech 46 years ago. Stereotype is defined as, “a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing.” It is quite apparent this continues to be a prevalent behavior by many on a daily basis. When we walk down the street and notice someone who may appear physically different, be from somewhere else, or may dress as though they are part of a different faith or culture, and discern a conclusion of that person’s character, how incredibly naïve and ignorant is that? We have all placed preconceived notions of what an individual may be based on impressions other than ones character. It is diligent awareness of this deteriorating thought process that promotes a greater respect towards those we perceive as being different than ourselves.  

One of the major themes within my “No Excuse!” seminar training sessions is the importance of treating our fellow man and woman with dignity and respect. Over the years of growing as a person, and challenging myself to further learn and understand life, I have discovered four areas that can assist all of us in decreasing our rapid judgment and stereotyping of others. I share with you the four E’s., Education, Empathy, Experience and Equality. Educating ourselves in the knowledge of social and cultural history provides a foundation of understanding on a macro scale of people and their societies. I find it invigorating to learn about the advancements of civilizations and their contributions to world science, language and economics to name a few. It generates an appreciation for where we come from. Empathy, “the ability to understand and share the feelings of others”, is essential to recognizing humility in ourselves, and capabilities in others. Experience validates education and fosters empathy. What is it like to walk in the shoes of those we stereotype, or discriminate against? What does it feel like to have nothing materialistically, to be physically different, appear different, or feel out of place? Although some may never experience prejudice or discrimination, to participate in the lives of those who have heightens our own insight and appreciation for those who are the victims of directed unfairness. Equality is being aware, and accepting, that we may have different talents, skills, and beliefs, but we are all equally part of humanity. Enjoy the benefits of being open-minded to the goodness of others on the inside, and understand we are all part of a bigger world than ourselves. It is an appreciation that is beneficial to all.

Early on in our lives the risks may be minimal based on the fact there is less responsibility in our lives, and less to lose in “going for it”. For example, if I do not have the responsibility of family, or an established career, then the risks to my relationships and financial security would be nominal. On the other hand the more we create in our lives the more difficult it is to have the freedom to pursue a dream or a new career. Many of us reach a point in our lives where we are inspired to invigorate our future, aspire to new creative challenges, and potential new careers. Does mid-life crisis ring a bell for anyone? Personally I came very close to destroying the things I had created to pursue a dream I was unsure I could succeed at. I am thankful and humbled for the belief my wife and children had in me to see my desire come to fruition. As a result, their support in the process of the attainment of that dream made the risks less influential.    

If you decide the risks outweigh the desire, a necessary step needs to be taken to alleviate the emotional struggle and disappointment you may have by not pursuing that desire. That step is to understand it is imperative one become more accepting than expecting. I may desire more in my life, but if the risks to achieve that, such as destroying what I have already created, my family, my health and my finances might occur then it might be necessary to forgo that dream. I must become more accepting of the choices I have made and the life I have created. Another advantage to acceptance versus expectation is to realize that if I am never satisfied and always expecting how can I be content and at peace with myself? I am not suggesting you give up on your dreams, but to fully understand the potential sacrifices needed to be made to achieve that dream.   A final advantage of accepting rather than expecting is the reduction of stress in our lives. Many of us are high expectation people, but I realized a little to late in life where I would get myself the most in trouble is when I would put all my expectations on everyone else. Well not everyone is like me, and not everyone is like you. When I accepted this understanding my stress declined and I was happier day to day. It was relieving not to expect the world and everyone in it to be on my agenda. This does not mean I am accepting of behaviors that violate my values, or performance that is less than expected, but what I have come to realize is the total benefit of understanding what makes others wonderful. Enjoy the new peace in your life when you appreciate what you have already created and accomplished. 

How do we distinguish between someone who is confident versus egotistical? I find it fascinating how many times ego is used to denigrate others, and as rationale to negate another's reputation and accomplishments. In addition, blaming someone's ego is commonly used as an excuse by blamers to lessen their own insecurities and non-accomplishments. Can one have a healthy ego? I believe so. Ego is defined as "a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance".   Through the course of our life it is essential to have a healthy sense of those traits to generate personal courage in all aspects of our decision making process. This illustrates a direct correlation between self-confidence and decisiveness. When does being confident transition to egotism? Confidence is defined as "a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities and qualities", and egotism is defined as "the practice of talking and thinking about oneself excessively because of an undue sense of self-importance". The answer in distinguishing which characteristic one possesses lies in the motivation behind the actions being taken and/or the decisions being made by that person. It is when one's own sense of self-importance takes precedence over the importance of service to others where egotism prevails. It is this degree of self-importance that has demoralized and deteriorated the very fabric of what is the genuine key to personal fulfillment. That key is the understanding that service to others brings with it a healthy and valuable ego, and a personal fulfillment that is unselfish. I am not suggesting we neglect ourselves, what I am suggesting is to ensure when we make our decisions they are not hurtful, and not at the expense of those around us. The accelerated societal obsession with personal gain (it's all about me) has corroded community values, corrupted many in power, and bankrupted our economy. If you have ever associated with a person who thinks the world revolves around them, then you have experienced egotism. It is the comprehension that the world does not revolve around our own agenda that creates a healthy relationship with others both personally and professionally.

What does it mean to be important, and do you perceive yourself as being important? Your degree of genuine importance originates from how important you become to others. It is through our service to those around us that generates a personal foundation of being valued. When our actions result in the betterment of others' lives, we have initiated being valuable. Can one be important and possess humility? Humility is defined as "a modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness". How can one have a low view of one's own importance and be important? Although it appears the two are incongruent, importance and humility can be very synergistic.   An individual can become very important, i.e. valuable to others, without having to self-glorify one's accomplishments. You may realize you are important, but understanding the motive for that importance is the key to maintaining humility. Humility is not weakness in character but rather a selfless approach to very effective leadership. Although challenging to be unselfish, the rewards are far more meaningful and enduring.  

In the course of my "No Excuse! Leadership" training sessions, humility is a term rarely mentioned when asked, "what are some characteristics of effective leaders?". However when discussed, insight is garnered when one realizes humility by the leader provides a sense of respect and appreciation for the followers. It also demonstrates a genuine respect for individual and group efforts in their successful achievements. Humility is a silent strength of leadership respected and appreciated by those who value their leaders, and value how important the leaders actions and decisions may be in their lives. Three steps practiced to incorporate humility in one's life are, think more of others than yourself, understand your motivation in service to others, and give credit to those who believe in you when success is achieved. Each day brings with it the opportunity to appreciate those around us, and to enjoy the many blessings we have. Set an example of sincerity, genuineness and selflessness and your importance will be revealed to those you serve.  

Having something to look forward to everyday provides the energy to contribute positively to yourself and those around you. It also validates that you as a human being matter, and that you have a purpose for existing. Without a sense of purpose the excuse door opens resulting in a loss of motivation, discouragement, frustration and even depression. How could I possibly be motivated if I have nothing I want to accomplish? Look at the number of individuals who emotionally and physically deteriorate when, in their own minds, they feel there is nothing to look forward to; and believe they no longer have purpose. My 84-year-old mother still surrounds herself with people and daily tasks to maintain a personal sense that she still matters. Whether it is her desire to play a round of golf, yes at 84, or take on the role of club historian, or continue to volunteer for the hospital, provides her with a sense of value to herself and pride that she is still contributing to others and the community. Although my mother no longer works, by volunteering to causes she believes in, and participating in activities she enjoys, provides her a catalyst to live life to its fullest. This continued desire to feel purposeful also stimulates for her fresh memories of happier times, people she has loved, and appreciation for the many blessings in her life. The ability for all of us to feel we are contributing in some way to the world around us can make a substantial difference in our daily emotional and physical well being.  

Everyday I personally make a point to recognize, acknowledge and work towards the areas of my life that I look forward to.   For example, these goals might include my next column, speaking engagement, workout, school board meeting, lunch with friends, vacation, visiting my children, or searching for something new to experience to broaden my mind, or challenge my body. There is so much life can offer, if one has the confidence and sense of purpose to take a chance on their future and discover their full potential. Returning to those fundamental core values that reflect who you are will provide you the fortitude to manage those goals, and provide you with an outlook on life that is optimistic and full of possibilities. Understand, to have something to look forward is our responsibility to create ourselves, or in conjunction with others in our lives.   However, how we coordinate our efforts to accomplish those goals rests individually on each of us. At this moment my goal for all of you is to wake up tomorrow morning having something to look forward to.   Enjoy the day, because you matter, have a purpose, and have the potential to positively impact those around you everyday. 

The common courtesies of "thank you", "please" and "your welcome" should never be neglected. Small acts of kindness such as opening a door for someone, or the chivalrous behaviors we as men used to do for women should not be forgotten. Whether it be pulling out a chair to assist in the sitting process, or stand up when ladies excuse themselves from the table.   You may think that is old fashioned, out of date, and not necessary, but how nice it feels to be treated with a degree of respect and politeness, and how appreciated it is. You don't think a few relationship bonus points aren't being accumulated when you display courtesies? The fact is being polite and displaying manners is the right thing to do. Whether someone responds or not is irrelevant but it should not deter us from continuing to set the appropriate example.   Additionally, there have been many instances where I do not turn a blind eye to disrespect, and have corrected inappropriate responses from young people and even adults; and informed them their disrespect and lack of manners are not acceptable. Whether my corrective behavior is adhered to or not, at least others will know where I stand, and what is expected in regard to being mannerly.

Manners also pertain to a very important aspect in initiating a relationship with others both personally and professionally. The old cliche' that an individual only has one chance to make a good first impression is as important and truthful today as it ever was. That first impression is key in establishing a positive rapport with others. For example, an initial interview for potential employment, and the acquiring of that employment will be significantly influenced by the manners displayed by the interviewee. In addition, how one communicates effectively is also congruent with portraying mannerly behavior. Answering yes, instead of yeah, articulating your thoughts without every other word being ah, like, um, you know, etc, has a huge impact in how that person is perceived. As a member of the 20th Congressional District Service Academy Selection Committee, the interview process of perspective candidates provides a clear illustration of the impact manners, courtesy, and respectful communication has on the board's impression of those candidates.   Let us all take the time to be more cognizant of how mannerly, or not mannerly we are to one another, and the example we set for our children. Our little darlings are not always so darling, and educating them in understanding the important role of manners, and holding them accountable, should not be diminished by societal acceptance of behaviors that are disrespectful towards others. 

When we speak of our leaders, what are our expectations of them? When we discuss leadership, what are the characteristics we believe makes a leader effective? Is it their honesty, charisma, knowledge, determination, communication skills and fairness?   We could list a myriad of characteristics that would influence our perception of a leader's effectiveness, and any of those attributes implemented successfully may accurately define that leader. I wonder is the pure, untainted leader lost forever in our society?   In the mist of political and corporate corruption, and the thirst for power, wealth, fame and the not so almighty dollar, will there ever be a leader in the future who will not compromise their principles? I honestly do not know, but the trend is not promising. Most importantly, what are our children's expectations of those who impact and influence their lives, and how will that example effect the development of their own leadership aptitude?   These are great questions to discuss around the dinner table, in the work place, and in the classroom.  

What does it mean to be a leader? The "New Oxford American Dictionary" defines leadership as, "the action of leading a group of people or an organization." How boring is that? Although a definition, it does not take into consideration the human impact of leadership, and the consequences of that leadership. If the outcome is destructive in nature is that effective leadership? Within my "No Excuse!" training sessions I define leadership as, "the ability to lead a group of individuals, to the successful accomplishment of a common purpose." However, even that definition does not take into consideration how the accomplishment was achieved. I believe the outcome of any leadership endeavor should include a component where the results were attained ethically, and the outcome beneficial to those being led, and the common purpose. What does it mean to be ethical?   Ethical is defined in the same dictionary as, "of or relating to moral principles or the branch of knowledge dealing with", and morality is defined as, "principles concerning the distinction between right and wrong, or good and bad behavior." It is a leader's responsibility to clarify to those being led the difference between right and wrong, and its relevancy to the successful achievement of the common purpose. Granted, defining right and wrong can be left too much interpretation based on one's ideology and even religion, but I define moral behavior as revolving around treating my fellow man and woman with dignity and respect. I am sure you would agree, now more than ever we need ethical leadership in our government, communities, businesses, schools and homes.

In my experiences as a leader in the military, the corporate world, running my own business, service to the community, and most importantly my family, I have recognized several common characteristics that are inherent in the results of effective leadership. First, a solidification of trust is generated within the entity being led, producing positive and constructive levels of communication. Second, an increase in loyalty to the leader, and dedication to the mission, vision, and the core values that embody the entity we are leading. Third, producing greater motivation among followers to execute the process in achieving the objective. Finally, establishing consistent professional conduct, resulting in mutual respect and dedication among those being led.

We all set an example to others on a daily basis, and the effectiveness of that example is a direct result of the approach stated above. To lead is an honored opportunity to have bestowed upon any individual, but with it comes the responsibility of leadership, and the aftermath of the leader's efforts. During the process of leading those we are responsible for, it takes enormous personal strength to take accountability for the mistakes made, and tremendous humility when success is achieved. Be a leader of principle, strength, and competence, but most importantly be a leader of honesty and moral fortitude.   There is No Excuse!

Recently I had the opportunity to conduct a presentation for Cambridge Investment Research Group in Fairfield, IA. Although a multi-million dollar broker/dealer company, it is literally in the middle of a cornfield. I was scheduled to share two presentations with the employees during my one-day visit. Prior to the first seminar, the training coordinator asked if I would be willing to be interviewed by their communications team for the purpose of their newsletter and other marketing materials. I appreciatively accepted the invitation.   The course of the interview was filled with many questions I am usually asked, such as how did you proceed from West Point to inspirational speaking? How is the No Excuse! message being received? Who are your typical clients? Etc. Upon getting close to the conclusion of the interview, the interviewer asked if she could ask one more question that was a bit more personal. I answered, "of course". She proceeded to ask, "If your father were alive today, what would you tell him?"    (My father passed away at the age of 49, when I was 11 years old)   You can imagine that the candidness of the question caught me by surprise, plus throughout my life's journey I had never been asked such a question.   As I contemplated for a moment, and sensed emotions being generated that I had not felt in some time, I responded with, "I would not tell my father anything, I would ask him everything. What is it like to be a father, a husband, and a professional? How do you become those things? What are your values, what do you like to do, and what are some of your philosophies about life?"    All the questions I never had an opportunity to ask my father as a child I would now ask him as an adult. Upon further self-reflection it occurred to me that in my desire for his presence, and the reality of his absence, I have been on a path to discover all the things I had always wanted to ask him. Thus, in the search to discover the answers I yearned for, I have been blessed to share that insight with others through my profession and my message. Life lesson one is, "you teach best in life what you want to learn the most". I have always wanted to learn the things I had self-doubt about, and in that undertaking realized all the areas of life I had interest in and wanted to understand, generated excitement to share and teach that discovery and awareness with others.   Ask yourself, if you are passionate about something; is not one of your greatest joys to share that something with others? For example, if you love to fish, ski, sew, study history, or have a hobby you enjoy, some of the most fulfilling times are when you share and teach that joy with others. Realize the interests in your life you are passionate about and enjoy the most will provide perspective of who you are, and yield an understanding of the impact and influence others have had on you. From a family perspective isn't interesting how we as parents pass down to our children many of the things we enjoy the most? Just examine friends and family acquaintances you have, and how evident that historical pattern of interest repeats itself.     

The second life lesson is "what happens to you happens for you". I certainly cannot go back 41 years and change the passing of my father, but I understand that "life is not what you are given but how you take it". In my heart I know I would not be the person I am, retain the family I have, nor have the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of others if that tragedy had not occurred. I cannot change the past, but only learn from the past, work with the present and prepare for the future. I am sure there would have been many benefits in having a father figure and mentor in my life, but "it is what it is".   The final life lesson learned is to recognize, "we cannot use what we did not have in life to justify what we cannot be, cannot do and cannot become".   It is just an excuse for not taking accountability for our lives and ownership for our actions. Enjoy what you love, learn from what you do, and help others along the way. How fun is that?  

Here is a New Years Resolution we all can strive to attain. In my early childhood years, I can vividly recall my mother stating, everything in moderation. Although it was, and still is, a commonly used expression, it was not until later in life that I took the meaning to heart, and realized how important that phrase would become in regard to balancing the many different facets of my life. How many of us take that expression seriously? We all need too. When excess in one area of our life takes precedence over all others, the rest suffers. There has been a societal acceleration towards an interest in learning how to implement the work-life balance equation into our lives. Why is this? I believe this yearning for balance is a result of several factors. One, the speed and amount of information that we as human beings are required to process everyday consumes much of our thoughts, energy and time. The velocity at which technology continues to advance will only add to this information download that we must contend with.   Two, the deterioration of society's understanding of what it means to be successful continues to inundate our mindsets as a result of media influence.   For example, if the media emphasis is directed towards only one aspect of life, such as money, then other areas our life suffer in regard to their perceived importance. Just reflect on how greed has consumed our society in many respects, and the horrific consequences that have occurred to our social and economic stability as a result. Third, the inability for individuals to self-discipline, prioritize and time manage properly their daily activities. Without some form of time management how can one have the ability to allocate the appropriate time and energy to the aspect of one's life that needs to be addressed? If I do not organize and implement some form of structured approach in building balance, then chaos and disorganization reign supreme.

 Do you know anyone who is obsessive with a certain aspect of his or her life? How about someone who buys too much, drinks too much, exercises too much, video games too much, sits on the couch too much, pretends they are something they are not too much, eats too much, mows their lawn too much (oops, caught myself), works too much, and many other things too much?   We may enjoy what we obsess on, but it is imperative that we ensure the obsession does not create excess stress because we neglect other aspects of our life that require attention and responsible actions.   I sincerely believe that it has been the need for excess, from corporate executives, politicians, and even elements of our own citizenry that has created the economic disaster and democratic disintegration we are presently witnessing in our society.   On a national scale, I believe if we do not take a step back and re-prioritize societal values, stress the importance of substance of character rather than the possession of things, and stop encouraging excess to substitute for our own insecurities, we are on a path of self-destruction.   It is up to each and every one of us to encourage personal responsibility for our lives, strength of character for our children and recognition that we cannot ignore an understanding of the importance of balancing the many aspects of our lives. So what can we do?

 Well, let me be sequential once again. One, answer what are the aspects of your life that you feel are important to fulfill your life? Are those life priorities financial, physical, spiritual, familial, emotional, fame and or power?   Two, how are the priorities of your life prioritized? Are they in balance in regard to the time dedicated to succeed at those items you feel to be important? Three, are there aspects of your life that are suffering? If the answer to question three is yes, then you are on the path to becoming aware that there is action to be taken. The most important action step for those who believe this balance topic to be important is to acknowledge that you may not be in balance in the first place. Too come to grips with this awareness will provide the motivation to take the steps necessary to bring about greater happiness, contentment and an wonderful realignment of the basics that bring to fruition personal fulfillment.

As core values have been of prominent importance in the theme of my blogs, it is imperative that we define the core values we discuss with our self and others. In other words it is important to define for ourselves and people what we mean by what we say. For example, I can say the word love or discrimination and all of us will define these terms based on our life experience with them. I do not believe that I have ever experienced discrimination directed towards me in my life. Therefore, my innate sense of the meaning of that word, and the emotion it generates, will be different than someone who has experienced discrimination. The beauty of humanity is we all come into this world, hypothetically, wearing a different pair of glasses and based on our life experiences we all see the world differently. It is that individual outlook that makes each of us unique and wonderful. It is also what allows us to learn from each other and appreciate the differences among us. Can you imagine what a world it could be if this was universally appreciated and understood?

Integrity can be a core value, is a leadership trait, and is a principle of behavior used consistently to define the character of a person. I ask you, what is integrity?    The Oxford Dictionary definition of integrity states, the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles, moral uprightness. How do we know if a person possesses this? How many of you enjoy dealing with people who are indecisive, say one thing one day turn around the next day and do something else, someone who is inconsistent? There is no one that appreciates that behavior. When we are around individuals like this we lose respect for them, which depreciates their credibility.   Therefore, consistency in behavior is the first step to understanding if a person has integrity. The only way I can be consistent in my behavior is to understand what it is I stand for and believe in, my other core values.   However, I cannot leave integrity at just consistency in behavior. Past and present day there have been, and are many individuals who have been consistent in their convictions and beliefs, and in the process have destroyed societies and decimated humanity. Therefore, there must be another component that gives integrity its credibility, and that is morality. What is morality?   Morality is defined in the same dictionary as, the extent to which an action is right or wrong. Certainly that definition can be left to an enormous amount of interpretation. There are some who believe that exterminating others, who do not believe in the same God as they do, is completely moral. Regardless of some form of structured religion, I define morality in my life as how I treat another human being, and I believe we should treat one another with dignity and respect.   In summary, if I can wake up every day, understanding what I stand for and believe in, my core values, act on those core values in a consistent manner, and in the process treat others with dignity and respect; when I go home at night and put my head on that pillow I will most likely feel pretty good about the example I set that day. As a result, I will have demonstrated integrity; also resulting in a greater likelihood that I am being more personally honest with myself, which in turn allows me to hold myself and others accountable. The key to making fewer excuses is living a life that is a true reflection of who you are.

Finally, integrity is the barometer in evaluating the level of trust within a relationship, family and organization. Trust is the glue of every established human connection. When trust is broken the relationship is never the same. It is comparable to a broken bone. It may heal, but it is never what it was. Keep the bond of your relationships continually strong by consistently striving to be a person of integrity.   By living a life of integrity, and maintaining that bond of trust with those around you, you will have established the character of an individual respected by all.  

The second question is, why do people follow you? I am not asking you to think of characteristics of leadership that you feel are important for leaders to be effective. If that was the question, you could provide a plethora of responses. What I am asking is, what leadership characteristics do you possess as an individual that inspires others to respect, admire and look up to you? Is it your passion, fairness, empathy, attitude, determination, and/or kindness? It is extremely important to take a moment and reflect on your behavior traits that positively impact those around you. If you do not know what you do well, then how can you build upon your personal and professional strengths and attributes?

A final question I will share with you is, how do you motivate others? More specifically, how do you motivate your children, friends, colleagues, employees, and the person you are in love with? The way you motivate others is you make those around you feel valued. When we walk through the front doors of our place of work do we feel like valued people or just personnel? When my children come home do they feel like valued young adults or just kids? When I see my wife after a week on the road do I make her feel like a valued human being or just a number? I will share with all of you, if I treat my employees like personnel rather than valued people they are less motivated to work hard and go the extra mile. If I treat my children like kids rather than valued young adults they are less motivated to listen to their father. If I treat my wife like a number rather than a valued human being she is less motivated to support me or my career. Without question the work place is more productive, a family more harmonious and a society more humane when we all take steps to make others feel valued.   Take a moment or two to make those around you feel valued. This can take place with something as simple as expressing an amount of appreciation for their efforts, or sharing with them an acknowledgement of a leadership characteristic you believe they possess. I have turned around the low morale of organizations by having colleagues share with one another positive attributes about one another. As a result those who have been on the receiving end of those comments are more dedicated and committed to the organization and their colleagues, because they feel valued and needed. Take a moment at the dinner table some night and ask the children to share a positive attribute about their sibling. I will guarantee you those siblings will be more committed to, and bonded with, one another after that interaction. Enjoy the pleasure of motivating and encouraging those around you. It is forever appreciated

What can we do as parents and citizens? Do not set an example that it is someone else's fault for the mistakes we make and have made. Do exemplify behaviors that encourage self-reliance, initiative, accountability, creativity, integrity and other core values that enhance an understanding of personal life ownership.   We all have the ability, and given the opportunity, to become aware of our potential as individuals; and to build upon the unique skills and talents we possess to expand life's understanding and make a positive impact on one another. A world where everyone is patterned to be the same, and controlled by the few, will only diminish our ability to reach our full human potential.   As a society, we have a responsibility to encourage independent thinking and personal achievement with the understanding that the ownership for the resulting outcome of our choices is our own.   Take the time to assess your own future, the current decisions that have to be made, and the path upon which those decisions are implemented.   With a solid foundation of core values, an understanding of self-reliance, an acceptance of personal accountability, and an attitude of selfless behavior, how could we not be happy? Relying on something else to mange our life is analogous to being behind bars. You are trapped from creating the future you want. Enjoy the freedom that comes with self-reliance because you will have earned it. 

My Alma Mater is the United States Military Academy at West Point, where I was a graduate in 1980. The Academy's motto is "Duty, Honor, Country" with a strict honor code that states, "A cadet will not lie, cheat, steal or tolerate those who do." This honor code is instilled in every cadet from the moment they enter the Academy. In addition, each cadet is required to sign a document committing him or her to the service of that honor code.  During the course of my yearling (sophomore) year at West Point, I was dealt a personal challenge that tested friendship against the adherence to the honor code. My roommate and I had the same deadline for the submission of a research paper. Although we were both engaged in the same course, we each had a different professor. Upon completion of my research, the next task was to write the paper. The stressful and frantic issue facing me was, I did not initiate the writing of my paper until the night before the paper was due (procrastination will be a future blog topic :0)). Therefore a long night of writing was in front of me. Coincidently my roommate had not begun the writing of his paper either. The difference between us that night was I continued writing my paper for the majority of the evening, whereas my roommate decided to "hit the sack" without writing anything. The following morning we both, to my surprise, submitted our assignments as required. I assumed that he must have arisen after I retired to bed, and had written his paper. A week, or so, had gone by before our research papers were returned to us. Upon seeing my roommate's graded paper on his desk, I noticed that the paper I was observing looked almost identical in content, sentence structure, grammar and vocabulary to my paper. My roommate, and friend (so I thought), had copied my paper.

What to do? What would you do? What do I do? I did not lie, cheat or steal, but if I do not report my roommate for cheating than I am in violation of the honor code for tolerating his cheating.  Do I choose my roommate, or the honor code? What would others do? Would anyone else know? Should I talk with him first and ask him to report himself to the honor captain? Would a true friend put me in this position? Could I graduate with a good conscience knowing I had violated the honor code by tolerating someone else's violation? Does it really matter? These are just a few of the questions that I conjured up and struggled with. After pondering, acting on, and soul searching many such thoughts and questions as stated above, the final decision I made was to report the incident. I had confronted him several times to attempt to convince him to turn himself in, but to no avail. His attitude, seemingly nonchalant mindset, and indifference to the seriousness of the incident were also contributing factors in my final decision. As a result, there was a formal investigation, subsequent honor hearing, and the eventual dismissal of my roommate from the Academy for violating the honor code. Am I proud of my decision? It has nothing to do with pride but rather a commitment I made to abide by a code of behavior that embodies an institution I decided to belong to. What would it say about me as a future leader, parent or citizen if I had violated the very code that I agreed to uphold?

I share this experience with all of you, so everyone reading this blog will entertain the idea of discussing with others what it means to be honorable. You are welcome to utilize this experience of mine as a case study to open the discussion. Who would sacrifice friendship for adhering to an honor code, and what approaches would different people take, to resolve this predicament? How would a 14 year old respond differently than a 25, 36 or a 54 year old to this situation, or would they? I have no expectation that all of you reading this blog would have come to the same decision I made, but I do have the expectation that all of you reading this blog will ask yourself, "what does it mean to be honorable?" and "am I living an honorable life?" I believe there are many citizens who are honorable, and one indicator of those who are, are those who put others before themselves. It is imperative to understand the significant loss of credibility our society incurs, when there is a societal trend of turning a blind eye to dishonorable behavior. It is also essential to the development of our children's character that they realize there is a relationship between dishonorable behavior, and accountability for that behavior.  If as a society it becomes acceptable for excuses to be made for one's dishonorable behavior, and no need for individual accountability, there will no longer be any need to live honorably. To know thyself as a person with honor, is to be known by others as a person of honor.

Former Saturday Night Live star Cheri Oteri would humorously say in one of her skits, "simmer down". Performance under pressure is the key to determining ones inner strength, confidence and emotional stability. I define "performance under pressure" as "an indication of ones professionalism" and define "professionalism" as "emotional patience". It is paramount that our behavior reflects a high degree of professionalism when dealing with conflict, stress and pressure. The key is being patient with our emotions and how we react to them. This emotional patience stems from our security with our core values, providing the inner strength to be proficient at handling difficult situations. If I squeeze an orange what comes out, grapefruit juice, apple juice, cranberry juice? Of course not, just orange juice is extracted. The same is true with human beings. When a person is squeezed, i.e. put under stress and pressure what's inside comes out. If an individual is internally frustrated, resentful, discontent, and jealous of others, to name a few destructive characteristics, I doubt seriously that the individual would display a kind, loving, gentle and compassionate demeanor when put under emotional pressure.

Patience is still a virtue and emotional reactivity to any situation is the barometer in evaluating our success with that virtue. Personal core values provide the building blocks to solidify a foundation of strength against life's pressures and stresses, and to maintain a high level of professionalism that demonstrates superior leadership. Have fun, be that positive example, and enjoy the stress relieving benefits of "simmering down".

It is time to "Meet The Parents". In this comedy movie and the sequel "Meet The Fockers", characters Gaylord "Greg" Focker and Jack Byrns are uniquely different, coming from backgrounds and having perspectives that are dynamically in contrast with one another. However in the end, the Focker's and the Byrn's familial dysfunctions and differences are overcome by recognizing the common values they share, mutual respect, acceptance, a priority of happiness for their children, and the love for one another between Greg and Jack's daughter, Pam. This movie is also indicative of how our parents significantly influence our sense of self-worth. In a previous blog, Self-Esteem - "The Gift Myth", I mentioned that I would discuss that how we are parented affects our sense of self-respect, and establishes two major fears that all of us possess. As you may recall self-esteem, the self-respect you have for you , is earned not given. It is earned through our behaviors, and those behaviors are based on an understanding of our core values. However, how we are being, or were parented, still influences our understanding of who and what we are today. One of the first fears in our lives, generated from our parents, results from the conflict between destructive criticism and corrective discipline. Destructive criticism is the disciplining of a behavior in a way that is demeaning and degrading to the child being disciplined. An example of this would be emotionally harsh, degrading screaming and/or physical punishment placed on a child for making a mistake. If a child is exposed to consistent levels of destructive criticism for making a mistake, then the child develops a fear of making mistakes, or a fear of failure . We have all been exposed to varying degrees of destructive criticism in our lives. We all fear failure to a degree, but depending on the strength of our beliefs and understanding of our own skills and core values, will determine how much we allow that fear of failure dictate our performance, and our decision making ability. If you have ever been around an individual who cannot make a decision because the fear of failure is so powerful it prevents them from making a decision, it is a reflection of self-doubt and a lack of self-respect. They lack the internal strength to stand up for their convictions and beliefs, because they doubt their own sense of self and security with their own core values. Thus, how could they possibly be decisive?

The second fear results from the conflict between conditional love and unconditional love. Unconditional love is the pure giving of love to others without conditions, or expecting anything in return. Conditional love is when conditions are place on the love being provided. For example, you do this, I will give you this. When a child is exposed to conditional love they develop the fear of not being loved, maturing in life to the fear of rejection . If you have ever been around a person who cannot make a decision until those around them say okay first, it is once again a reflection of self-doubt and lack of self-respect for the same rational as above with the fear of failure. Fear of failure is fear of self, and fear of rejection is fear of others.

The keys to overcoming these fears are to first understand them in our lives and how they influence our ability to make decisions. They are not harmful elements when we understand the fears are a catalyst to force us to take ownership for our actions, and substantiate an understanding of our own core values. Second, begin to take the necessary actions that correlate with what it is we stand for and believe in, and behave in a way the compliments our sense of self and our core values. This will provide all of us the internal strength to be decisive and emotionally competent when challenged with difficult situations and circumstances.

Acknowledge and celebrate the dysfunctions, the "stuff", in our lives. Nobody has his or her own act perfectly together, and it is life's journey that can be exciting and rewarding depending on how you prepare for, and execute the trip. So pack the "stuff" you need, and discard the "stuff" that weighs you down. Know that you are the decision maker for your own life. There may be, and have been, influences that push us in certain directions, but it is our self-respect and strength in the belief of our core values that stem the tide of self-doubt, and allow us to continue on a course that is positive, constructive and fulfilling.

Now go get that "Lomi Lomi" massage

Forgiveness is a powerful gift that releases us from the bondage of past failures, hurts and disappointments. It is a principle of success that few discuss in regard to the impact it has on both our personal and professional lives. I cannot change yesterday, but I can make the choice whether to learn, grow and move on from past mistakes and misfortunes, or allow them to control my emotional well being today and what my attitude will be in the future. The need for forgiveness in our lives is directly proportional to the degree of which we have failed, been hurt, or victimized. The more I have experienced these destructive encounters the greater degree of forgiveness is needed to mend the damage done. One of my favorite forgiveness quotes extracted from my book is, "Forgiveness is the fragrance of the violet that clings fast to the heel that crushed it." ---George Roemisch.

Forgiveness of self is the first assignment for all of us. We have all failed but our failures teach us what we are capable of achieving. Without failures and disappointments in life how can we truly test our personal understanding of what it is we stand for and believe in, i.e. our core values? I personally believe a significant measure of a person is their ability to persevere through the disastrous times they experience. Granted it may be easier said then done, but it should be a goal for all of us to continue to look forward, and not use past failures as present day excuses for being unhappy and unfulfilled.

If you have ever attended a place of worship, many times a message that is heard revolves around the importance of forgiving others, and how we should forgive those who have hurt us. My question for all of you is, what does forgiving others have anything to do with others? The answer is absolutely nothing. The reason you forgive another person has nothing to do with the other person; it has everything to do with you. Whether the other person accepts your forgiveness, or not, becomes their responsibility. Think about this for just a brief moment. People who have hurt us, what are they doing with their lives? They are moving on in constructive or destructive ways, positive or negative ways, but are they thinking of you? If they were thinking of you, wouldn't they want to mend the relationship, heal the hurts, and make amends from damaging days gone by? A memorable line I share with the audience during the course of presenting my "No Excuse!" message, and discussing forgiveness is, "People who have hurt us, we allow them to live rent free in our brains." Ponder this, it's like we hire a contractor to build a condominium in our head and the people who live there, who have hurt us pay nothing. They do not pay rent, utilities, cable service, sanitation removal, not a thing. Subsequently they take up a large portion of our mental capacity, and we walk around saying to ourselves, "someday we will get back at them, someday, someday." Evict them from your head, and move them out now . We never forget the hurts, but we forgive them and redirect energy towards something positive and constructive away from energy directed towards something negative and destructive. Who has control when we do not forgive the ones who have hurt us? They do! Why would I use what someone did to me fifteen years ago as justification to be miserable today? That is a choice we are all challenged with, but a decision that is extremely important to make. It is a choice made that will either weigh us down with bitterness, or free us from the emotional control of those who have hurt us.

Have you ever encountered a person who shares with you, or something similar, that they listen to talk radio 24-7, read the newspaper everyday, watch the evening news every night and then states, "I'm very depressed."? Well, yeah, how could they not be depressed when they are allowing the world to dictate how they feel on a daily basis? Forgiveness of environment is the third component to becoming free from the burden of baggage. It is a choice whether we allow the world, the weather, the war, and the many other media driven disappointments to structure how we feel towards others and ourselves. I cannot change many of the negative occurences I witness and hear about everyday, but I can change how I react to them. I can forgive a situation, and not allow it to negatively impact my desires to be positive, optimistic, or continue to make a significant difference in others lives.

The wonderful freedom we experience from forgiveness is to understand the less baggage we carry, the lighter the load. As a result, the greater freedom we have to move around, to enjoy life, to be less burdened, to be more joyous, giving, respectful, and selfless. Without the freedom granted from forgiveness, we create our own internal prison, trapped behind bars of bitterness, anger, resentment, blame, misery, cruelty and self-centeredness. There is joy and new energy with freedom. It is why there is joy and new energy with the incorporation of forgiveness in our lives. Be free, and enjoy the exhilaration of rescuing your emotional control from the grips of the experiences, and people who have taken it from you. Forgiveness will provide you a renewed outlook on life, a resurgence of positive energy, and a greater foundation of self-respect.

As I leave the previous contemplations with you, I would like to share a letter with you I had written to my father on January 1, 1995, when I was the young age of 38. I believe it is a heart felt example of how to forgive. I was early in my entrepreneurial career, and the burden of carrying his death around with me still lingered. I was 11 years old when he passed away, many years had gone by, and I felt a strong desire and need to finally release the burden of this tragic experience.

Dear Dad,

This is the first letter I have ever written to you. As you know, I was only eleven when you died, but I never had a need to write to you until now. I am thirty eight now, and a lot has happened in my life that I know you would be proud of.

I just want to tell you how much I have missed you and how much I have desired your words of approval and assurance. There were many times in my life that your being there would have meant the world to me. It certainly would have made life's trials more bearable.

The simple hug or touch a father shares with his son I will never feel again, yet I now have the wonderful opportunity to share that with my own children. It took many years for me to become satisfied with me, and what I have to offer to others around me. I know that while you were here you gave me everything you felt was best, with honesty and sincerity.

I truly love you and ask for your blessing. I ask for your spirit of strength for my family and me. Thank you for helping me find peace within myself and to feel the satisfaction of giving to other people.

Your loving son,

Jay

BE FREE!

Over the centuries many prominent figures have contributed to the understanding of what it means to be successful. To highlight a few, Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Self-trust is the first secret to success." Booker T. Washington stated, "I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed." Sir Walter Scott noted, "Success or failure is caused more by mental attitude than by mental capacity." John D. Rockefeller, Jr. expressed that, "The secret of success is to do the common things uncommonly well." Mark Twain declared, "Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed." Once in a while, a little humor doesn't hurt either.

The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines success as, "The achievement of something desired, planned or attempted." Notice that the definition provides no ethical code to what is desired, planned or attempted, leaving the door open for much interpretation and discussion. Personally, I believe defining success in ones life is significantly more substantial then this generic dictionary version. One of the best definitions of success I ever received was during a "No Excuse!" seminar training session I conducted for the United States Postal Service in Queens, NY. A gentleman stated that his definition of success was, "Eager to go to work and eager to go back home." I thought to myself that is perfect, because that is life balance in a wonderful way. To be equally energized and excited to participate in our profession and our family, is a balance we should all strive for.

So where does "Dining" for success come into play? My homework assignment is for you to take time at the dinner table tonight, or in the very near future, and discuss as a couple, or a family, what success means. For those who have children ask the young ones, "How do they define success?" Do you think a six year old might have a different answer than a sixteen year old? As a result, another door will open for parent participation to discuss the areas of success that you feel to be important for them to understand.

If ones idea of success is wealth, fame, power, prestige and they achieve it, and it is truly a reflection of what they want and who they are, thay are successful. On the other hand, if ones idea of success is a happy family, a profession they enjoy, a community they feel a part of, a place of worship where they feel free to worship, to own their own home and they achieve that, are they not just as successful as what society might put up on that pedestal? Of course they are, because it is a reflection of who they are, and what they want to be. Over time, I have discovered that true success is the sum of achievement plus personal honesty. In the process of achievement, achieving without compromising our character and core values is genuine and true success.

Every time we blame, whine and/or complain what do we give up? We relinquish control. We give control to some other entity. How could you possibly be content and fulfilled when you believe it is up to someone or something else to be responsible for your life? Wait just a minute, isn't it someone else's responsibility, my place of work, the government, my place of worship, my community, society, to make me happy and fulfilled? Granted, they play a role, but the reality is that you and I, from the moment we wake up in the morning, to the time we put our heads on that pillow at night, it is our choices and our decisions every day that structure what we become, and eventually determine how happy we are. Once again, those choices and decisions stem from an understanding of what it is we stand for and believe, i.e. our core values. The resulting consequences from just whining about hurricane "Blame", and not taking the actions to prepare for and minimize its impact, will be disastrous.

As mentioned in previous discussions, we set an example everyday to those around us. I encourage everyone who may read this blog to no longer put up with the whiners, blamers and excuse makers. That we hold strong to becoming "No Excuse!" people and understand that we set an example of personal accountability to ourselves, our children and those we influence. We cannot let hurricane "Blame" get the best of us.

The truth is, Noni is correct. Each and every day we are out there in the working world earning it. We are earning our reputation, our income, our status in the community, our attainment of success, our sense of belonging, and our sense of self. The point is, when we walk through the front doors of our home at night, guess what, we have to earn it there also. If we want to receive the same recognition at home as we do at work, we are going to have to earn it. Isn't it amazing how we can be "all that and a bag of chips" for people we do not even know, and then go home and not nearly be as considerate to the people who love us? How does that work? I have been there and done that. There have been many times where I have been more patient, respectful, kind, considerate, professional and empathetic to my clients and even people I do not know, then I have been to my own family when I have returned home. This is a destructive behavior that I have corrected, and continue to remind myself of, as the days, weeks, months and years go by. The primary reason for that constant reflection is, when all is said and done who truly defines whether or not you have been successful? I can assure you that it will not necessarily be my clients, and the people who I do not know; but rather my wife, my children, my friends and those who love me. These are the people who truly know the character of the person standing in the kitchen.

One of my favorite quotes is "You teach best in life what you want to learn the most." If you love something in life, one of your greatest joys is to share it with others. I have always had a passion for life and a deep interest in what brings success and happiness to people's lives. As I have grown in my life and my profession, I have come to humbly appreciate the many successes I have had, and yet more importantly, the many mistakes I have made. As a result, my greatest joy is to share with others what I have learned from those mistakes, and to give credit to those who have supported me for the successes. My experiences have taught me that the result of any endeavor is usually equal to the efforts put in to it. Efforts dedicated to the earning of our resulting successes at work should be as important as the efforts dedicated to the earning of our successful family life at home. Have fun in the kitchen.

"My hands were busy through the day; I didn't have much time to play the little games you asked me to; I didn't have much time for you. I'd wash your clothes, I'd sew and cook, but when you'd bring your picture book and ask me to share your fun I'd say, "A little later, son." I'd tuck you in all safe at night; and hear your prayers, turn out the light, then tiptoe softly to the door - I'd wish I'd stayed a minute more. For life is short, the years rush fast - a little boy grows up so fast. No longer is he at your side, his precious secrets to confide. The picture books are put away, there arn't any games to play - no goodnight kiss, no prayers to hear; that all belongs to yesteryear. My hands once busy now lie still; the days are long and hard to fill. I wish I might go back and do the little things you asked me to."

---Arthur M. Sells

Do you believe there is a direct correlation between money, things and genuine happiness? If you believe there is, than I can conclude that the more money and things an individual possesses, the happier and more fulfilled they would be. Correct? Why is it then, that many people who have so many things, are absolutely miserable? Contrastingly, why are there many people with limited material possessions, and yet, are very happy and content with their lives? The reason is "things" do not define who we are, rather our "behaviors" do. If the acquiring of things is used as a substitute for being accountable for our behaviors, then we are being dishonest with ourselves. Therefore, neither what we own, nor the power we gain, will ever fill that void in personal honesty. As a result, we may have things, but are we happy?

I do believe material things can provide pleasure, but are not the roots to long-term contentment. I enjoy nice things, and I feel fortunate that I have been able to create a level of comfort for my family and myself. However, I will share with all of you that what I wear, what I drive, and how big a house I live in does not, by itself, define the true character of who I am as a professional, a husband and a father. How I treat my family, how I treat my clients, how kind and respectful I am to others, how well I conduct my business, and how accurately I practice the message I share, will ultimately define whether I was a person of personal honesty. Personally, I have made mistakes, and I am sure mistakes will happen again, but to repeat a pattern of behavior that sabotages my own sense of self, and those close to me, is inexcusable. Personal honesty stems from living a life that is a true reflextion of who we are, and it complementing what we professionally respresent to those around us.

How many leaders in government, Hollywood, professional athletics, corporations, religious institutions, and many other professions disappointed, and/or destroyed their family, friends, and followers with personal dishonesty? In the recent aftermath of the former Governor of New York Eliot Spitzer's debacle, it once again put the spotlight on failures of leadership, and has created yet another uphill battle for honest people in positions of leadership, to solidfy trust by those who admire, look up to, and respect them. What message do we send our children in regard to personal responsibility, accountability, integrity and character when pundits make excuses for the personal irresponsibility's of those in famous positions? The message sent is one that creates distrust towards others, and in the minds of many, that character, integrity, and accountability, the sum of which equals personal honesty, is irrelavent in regard to personal and professional achievement.

Why would any leader with significant influence and power disintegrate the very core values that they are attempting, or projecting, to espouse to? It is called egoism, narcissism, and behaving in an egocentric manner. By definition, Egoism is "The quality of thinking or acting with only oneself and one's own interests in mind; preoccupation with one's own welfare and advancement." Narcissism is defined as, "Excessive admiration of oneself." Egocentric is defined as, "Thinking or acting with the view that one's self is the center, object, and norm of all experience." "Individualistic, selfish." These three destructive traits have historically destroyed individuals, families, careers, communities, governments, empires, and have even extended to the destruction of entire societies.

I can honestly share that my life changed when I discovered the more I think of others the happier I tend to be, and to realize that it is not about me, but my service to those around me. I have learned it is so vitally important to do everything I can do to ensure that the way I want the world to be, and the way I want the world to view me as being, is a true reflection of who I am. Displaying personal honesty during the course of our life is a rewarding challenge for anyone reading this blog.

According to The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language , "self-esteem" is defined as "Pride in oneself." Upon further page turning in the dictionary, "pride" is defined as, "A sense of one's own dignity or value; self-respect." How does one attain that sense of dignity, value and self-respect in their life? Does some spiritual entity come down from the sky and pronounce you a person of self-respect? I think not. A great excuse I often hear to justify relinquishing one's personal responsibility is, "I have low self-esteem." In a professional and empathetic way, my usual response is, "What are you doing about that?".

A sense of dignity, value and self-respect / pride in oneself / self-esteem, is not given to a child, or an adult, it is earned . It can only be earned based on day to day behaviors. These behaviors should be based on an individual's understanding, or at least an awareness, of what their core values are. These core values are established, or not established, in a child by their parents or the family structure they are raised in. This is an example of how core values, accountability, and self-esteem are interdependent of one another. It also provides the evidence needed to understand the relationship between one's level of self-esteem and the impact of peer pressure. Without an understanding of what I stand for and believe in (my core values), I am less likely to hold myself accountable, more likely to be indecisive when my sense of self is challenged, and as a result, behave in a way that does not reinforce a sense of pride (one's own dignity or value; self-respect) i.e. self-esteem.

A key indicator of an individual's level of self-esteem in the workplace is their ability, or inability, to make decisions. Two major fears, that all human beings have, are the fear of failure and the fear of rejection. Fear of failure is fear of self, and fear of rejection is fear of others. These fears stem from how we were parented (in a later blog). If the fears of failure and rejection are so strong it prevents an individual from being decisive, it can be a reflection of their lack of self-esteem. Why? The individual does not have the inner strength to stand up for their convictions and beliefs, because they do not know what their core values are, as a result they doubt their own value, and therefore, how could they possibly be decisive.

Instill in your children, and those you influence, that a fulfilling sense of self-esteem is earned, and based on behaviors that reinforce their own sense of self-worth and self-respect. Those behaviors should be a positive reflection and understanding of their core values. The key benefit to earning self-esteem, for young and old alike, is increased self-confidence, and a greater ability to be strongly decisive when challenged with tough decisions, both personally and professionally.

During the course of my travels and training, I have encountered organizations with a firm set of core values that are reflective in the leadership and the employee base. However, it is extremely important for the leadership to constantly review, remind the entire team, and consistently define what those core values are, and will continue to be. The resulting benefit is enhanced trust and accountability, leading to better communication; and extending to better efficiency, productivity, and eventually greater profitability.

Here is the "homework" twist to what has been shared previously. I also conduct seminar-training sessions for small groups of CEO's and senior leadership across the country. In the course of discussing core values, I always enjoy seeing the visual response of senior leadership when I ask them, "Have you ever sat down at the dinner table and asked your children and family, what do you think the core values of our family might be?". Many times it is like observing deer in headlights. There is always a brief hesitation, and pondering that occurs when asked that question. We can establish core values for our organization, but we do not take the time to establish core values for our family? Most of the time we assume the children know, but in reality, the assumption is incomplete. It must be brought to the surface, and the values discussed, to solidify a foundation of understanding. Of course this does not only apply to senior leadership, but everyone reading this Blog.

The wonderment of this "core value" homework assignment is when a child opens their mouth with a response, let's say, "Honesty should be one of our core values", the child has to then take ownership for what they just said, which allows you as a parent to hold them what? "Accountable" It works! We established four in our family, and they are as follows, "always be honest", "always do the best you can", "treat people with respect", and "when you start something you do not quit midstream" i.e. you join a team you see it through to the end of the season. You do not quit just because you do not like it. That is called commitment to your teammates, and taking accountability for the decision you made. At times, would my children fight these values growing up? Absolutely, but now that they are grown, I have noticed that these core values have provided a basis for their sense of self respect and confidence; as they tackle the difficulties of life, and having to make decisions they must take ownership for.

Peer pressure in our schools continues to be a formidable force in influencing the direction our children take with their lives. Why is that? The reason is, you have adults who do not have any idea what they stand for and believe in, have no consistent core values of their own. So, if I as a parent do not know what I stand for and believe in, how could I expect my children to have any idea what they should stand for and believe in. As a result, there are no parameters of behavior established, the children go to school, allow their friends to dictate how they should behave, so as to artificially enhance their self-esteem.

Take the time tonight, or as soon as may be convenient, to sit down with those young ones, and not so young ones, and ask them, "What are the core values of our family?". It will pay huge parenting dividends down the road, because it will provide those paramenters of behavior, and a structure to build the childrens' sense of self respect.

Landing in Albany, and arriving at the baggage claim, I once again noticed this young woman. It appeared that she had been met by her parents and they were welcoming her home. At this point I could not help my desire to know, and of course, I am not one to be bashful. Moments later I was introducing myself to her and her parents, and asked my question. She responded that this accident did occur in the service of our nation. She informed me that she was in a convoy south of Baghdad when an improvised explosive device (IED) exploded next to her vehicle resulting in the partial loss of both her limbs. As I stood there listening, I was attentive to the fact of how gracious, positive, and absolutely comfortable she was in sharing her story with me. In turn, I thanked her for her service to our nation, and proceeded to give her a big hug. She responded, "You're Welcome", and I then proceeded to the exit to return to my car, and eventually drive back home to Saratoga Springs. Upon walking through the exit doors, I remembered asking myself, "What did I wake up and whine about today?"

Over the many years of experiencing humbling encounters such as this one, I have learned to become more and more appreciative of the little things in life. I have even learned to appreciate the bottles of water I recieve before I speak; knowing that there are thousands of women in the Sudan just attempting to find some clean water to provide to their children so they will not die in a few days. Again, I am going to wake up and whine about what?

Know that each day is a gift, friends and family should not be taken for granted, life is not what you are given but how you handle it; and you make a living by what you get, you make a life by what you give. My thoughts, prayers and best wishes go out to Amanda, and the many like her, for their sacrifice, service and dedication to our nation.

In a state of severe concern, the driver immediately attempted to acquire assistance utilizing his cell phone, but to no avail. As I was pondering the predicament, and knowing that my flight was departing in the very near future, I realized that drastic measures might need to be taken. Having been informed that there were no taxicabs in the area, and that a replacement limousine might arrive after my scheduled departure, I made an Airborne/Ranger type decision, and decided to take matters into my own hands. I proceeded to exit the vehicle, obtain my luggage, and begin to flag down a potential "Good Samaritin". I was also screaming, "is anyone going to the airport?". Since the broken down limousine had stalled traffic, and had caused a severe backup; intially all I heard were beeping horns, offensive terminology, and observed inappropriate sign language. However, within several minutes a young couple heard my plea, proceeded to stop their vehicle, and offer their assistance. Seconds later, my bags were in their car, and I was on my way to the airport to catch my return flight to Albany. I am not sure if the limousine driver even knew I had gone, however, I did notice that he was still on his cell phone as we pulled away.

After a brief introduction and some small talk, my new driver mentioned he needed fuel. We briefly stopped, and because of his kindness, I offered to pay for a full tank. Although he declined my offer, I insisted, and shared with him that I felt it was the least I could do. Minutes after we departed the gas station,  I was at the Southwest Terminal saying goodbye, and thanking this couple who extended a gesture of kindness, and went out of their way to assist someone in need. So hats off to Rudy and Arlene for their graciousness, thoughtfullness, and renewing belief that kindness is alive and well.

In our organizations leaders must recognize that the term "whatever" is having a significant impact on effective leadership and management. Frequent use of "whatever" in the workplace only undermines responsibility for failure and achievement, creates a lack of trust, and generates misunderstanding within the organization. It is extremely difficult for a leader to be effective when a "whatever" attitude exists among those being led. How can an organization be as efficient and profitable when its' employees lack an understanding of the importance of taking accountability for their behaviors and performance?

It is my wish that parents, leaders, and anyone in a position of responsibility set an example not to tolerate the use of "whatever" at anytime when an important decision must be made; or when an individual must be held accountable for inappropriate behaviors or incorrect decisions. The establishment of personal and professional responsibility within our home and workplace, along with a consistent set of core values that guide our behaviors, provide the foundation for a strong and disciplined family unit; and for a productive and profitable work force.